How to Not to be Mean

The art of being Magnanimous instead of being mean.

Through my journey of life [which is a collage of numerous happy, painful moments and all other emotions in-between] – I realized there exists two scales which have the most profound impact on almost all the aspects of our life as well as the quality and the duration of the different phases.

These scales are

• 1.Meanness-to-Magnanimous scale
• 2.Sad-mad-glad of mental-emotional state

This Meanness to Magnanimous scale is what decides – which mental-emotional state, we would be on a given moment.

I also discovered through my endless self-introspections plus through counseling, mentoring and coaching thousands of people that

• 1.Irrespective of whether we are being mean intentionally or unintentionally we get the following emotions AND unresourceful-mental-emotional-states
• I.Anger, Throwing Tantrums
• II.Controlling others, Arrogance,
• III.Jealousy, Envy
• IV.Sulking
• V.Hate, Feelings of revenge, Holding Grudges
• VI.Doubt
• VII.Fear
• VIII.Anxiety, Hopelessness, Depression
• IX.Stress
• X.Relationship issues, Conflicts, Fights
• XI.Failures. Oblivion
• XII.Accusing, Blaming, Fault-finding, Making Excuses
• XIII.Being Defensive, critical and hard to please and Emotional manipulation
• XIV.Withdrawal and denial
• 2.On the other hand – when we are being Magnanimous [this does not usually come on its own – it needs solid practice] – we get the following feelings and Resourceful-mental-emotional-states
• I.Happiness
• II.Feelings of abundance, Gratefulness, Gratitude
• III.Sense of Security
• IV.Bliss
• V.Love
• VI.Hope, Faith
• VII.Intimate and meaningful relationship
• VIII.Success, Growth
• 3.Our being in unresourceful or resourceful state is very-very Dynamic – AND – is directly related to how we move through bottom rung [being mean] to the top level [being magnanimous] – emotionally and mentally
• 4.If we can focus on and constantly disciple ourselves to be in the magnanimous resourceful state consciously – we would be successful, happy and satisfied
• 5.This is a very obedient servant- AND -in some people's cases can become THEIR MASTER [it affects you mostly in negative ways]

Possible ways of Applying Magnanimity

Human nature reacts - to anything wrong, unjust and bad things done to us – naturally - by the impulsive feelings to strike back, get-even, make him/her/them suffer Learning to be empathic.

To overcome these, we need to go for the following

• 1.Strive for greatness
• 2.Pursuing your bigger picture – which has to be larger than life
• 3.Focusing on creating excellence
• 4.Move out of comfort zone
• 5.Challenging status-quo
• 6.Going for change pro-actively
• 7.Make a concerted effort to accomplish any task (and I mean anything!) with diligence. Working with diligent designs, paying close attention to detail, and actually caring about what you are doing are all excellent ways to grow in magnanimity
• 8.Accepting your mistakes openly – by being specific about them
• 9.Making up for the hurt caused
• 10. Apologizing meaningfully – not as a general statement BUT by being specific for each of the mistakes
• 11. Thanking other – again – not in general terms but by being specific to what you are thankful for
• 12. Giving the benefit of doubt to others
• 13. Acknowledging someone's bad mood by making statements that shows understanding
• 14. Accepting that this person is really in pain and hurt and suffering – so that you can view him/her from compassion
• 15. Refraining from making judgement about others
• 16. A magnanimous person sees him/herself and the other person as they really are. Then he/she urges the best out of that person. As a result he/she brings out the best in him/herself
• 17. Rising above pettiness or meanness; generosity in overlooking injury or insult
• 18. Becoming tolerant of another's viewpoint
• 19. Becoming focused on the concept on inclusion
• 20. Giving of self or resources without any expectations of any recognition or reward.
• 21. Forgiving wrongs done to us with no thought of retaliation or recrimination – this is for our own well-being only
• 22. By forgetting indignities and bear no grudges -– this is for our own well-being only
• 23. Creating love and compassion
• 24. Being humble
• 25. Take notice of those around you that you would normally not give a moment of your time – and - attempt to understand their life and their struggles
• 26. Cultivate the fine art of listening – without focusing on what and how to reply
• 27. Instead of complaining – taking the issues in the open to resolve the conflict

You have to understand that being Magnanimous – never supports, encourages and never approves of wrongdoing – instead it is about understanding of issues in the deepest

How can we stop being mean – to others

• 1.The genesis of being mean lies in our getting hurt, unhealed wounds, our getting injustice, anger and frustrations of not able to do anything etc. etc.
• 2.Find the root-cause of your anger
• 3.Pay attention to other people's feelings
• 4.If you are tempted to say something just to get even with them – you can be sure of that these very words will definitely hurt their feelings and may even create an enemy for you for life
• 5.But if you can only control this rush of impulsive anger for some time – and later resolve it by taking the issue out in open through transparent discussions – you may get a great relationship
• 6.In fact it is a thumb rule - if you can't say anything nice - just don't say anything at all
• 7.Stop judging others
• 8.USE A Daily REMINDER – to be Magnanimous
• 9.PAY ATTENTION TO THE WAY people who are NICE to you talk, act and BEHAVE
• 10. Stop trying to prove that you are Right
• 11. Think of Positive Things to Say First
• 12. Listen to Other People's Feelings – by reading between the lines and through observing their facial and body language
• 13. Don't Confuse Meanness with Honesty
• 14. Identify What You're Grateful For
• 15. Talk About Yourself, Not Others – use I sentences instead of blame You sentences
• 16. Change the Conversation
• 17. Just let go of you the Need to Comment on Everything
• 18. Say Something Kind
• 19. Be Punctual
• 20. Stop trying to win every argument – in fac walk away from arguments all the time
• 21. Discover What You're Actually Mad About
• 22. Learn to address your Anxiety issues
• 23. Address you Poor Communication Skills – you choice of words, downplaying other's big gestures
• 24. Stop comparing yourself with others and the resultant need to pull them down
• 25. Recognize your Ego and work on getting rid of it
• 26. Avoid the Impulse to Cut Off others
• 27. Focus on Managing Yourself (And Not fixing Your Partner)
• 28. Resolve Past the Issues internally
• 29. Don't ever Hold-back your love, your appreciation, your communication and sex – just because you want to punish someone
• 30. Stop Nagging, sniping and getting cranky over the small stuff
• 31. Be honest about what you want, need or feel
• 32. Create healthy boundaries around yourself and Respect others boundaries
• 33. Spend time with your family and loved ones
• 34. Stop being around people who are mean and only gossip
• 35. Work on your trust issues
• 36. Be Who You Want to Be
• 37. Stop being a People-Pleaser
• 38. Improve your Social Skills
• 39. Sort out all Miscommunication/Misunderstanding
• 40. Always challenge all your Negative Assumptions
• 41. Introspect and identify if you use Projection - Instead of admitting shortcomings, people may project them onto other people and accuse them of the behavior they don't acknowledge in themselves
• 42. Understand are you in Superiority Complex demon mood - people who are unable to acknowledge their low self-esteem may compensate by acting as if they are better than others
• 43. Control the urge to go for Passive-aggressive Escalation
• 44. Stop Intellectualizing your Emotions – just accept and feel what you are feeling at this moment
• 45. Stop seeking other's Validation, approval, recognition, attention
• 46. Learn how to be Vulnerable
• 47. Understand that when You OR others are Rude and Unkind - It's Not About You and vice-versa