Quality of relationship with self and quality of life - the importance of having a healthy relationship with yourself
In this article we will learn
- -Why self-love and having a healthy-relationship is the most important self-care we can practice
- -9 reasons why having a healthy relationship with yourself is mandatory
- -67+ tips on How to build wonderful intimate relationship with your own-self
- -One real-life example – when we don't love, respect, accept ourselves – how we sabotage our happiness as well as ruin others
Because of unprecedented crisis in the middle-class sect of the population due to massive job-loss, strained-relationships, erosion of savings and future-kitty, loss of business, concerns about the future of self and our children etc. Etc.
In this world of AFTER-CORONA[AC] when we are living still-being-conditioned in the emotional, physical, mental and social mind-frame of BEFORE-CORONA[BC]- the need to have the very best relationship with self-have become absolutely mandatory.
Now the following 6 military terms have once again become more important along with the existing VUCA [volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous – that existed even in before-corona world]
- 1. BOHICA (bend over, here it comes again)
- 2. FUBAR (f**ked/fouled up beyond all recognition or any repair/all reason) or fucked up by the assholes in the rear[rear meaning the top-leadership]
- 3. FUBU (f**ked /fouled up beyond all understanding)
- 4. SNAFU situation normal - all f**ked up
- 5. SUSFU - situation unchanged - still f**ked up)
- 6. TARFU (totally and royally f**ked up or things are really f**ked up)
9 Reasons why Our having great relationship with ourselves is most important
- 1. Our quality and closeness of our relationship with our most near and dear ones
- 2. Our success
- 3. Our happiness
- 4. Our peacefulness and calmness
- 5. Our having less baggage
- 6. Our living a fulfilled-life
- 7. Our living our life to the fullest
- 8. Our appreciating and recognizing the blessings that we have
- 9. Our encashing all the opportunities we get in every respect and every aspect of our life
The relationship we have with us sets the tone for every important relationship that we have with others as well as our successes, our growth and our happiness.
Even in the healthiest relationship – our self-image is somewhat dependent on our partner.
But in unhealthy relationships where our partner is not supportive - our insecurities, perceived-failures and flaws transform into something that harms us and the damage can be catastrophic
Self-love is completely non-negotiable and we have to find a way to create the most loving, most-caring and most-healthy relationship with ourselves.
Self-love makes us aware of our choices, our wants, our desires, our needs, our behaviors, our reactions and our impulses
Because of this our Self-love Empowers us to know, understand and care for ourselves more effectively.
The more we understand and care for ourselves the more meaningful and deeper connections we will have in our relationships with others.
But At times we can be our own worst enemy - our own worst critics - we judge ourselves negatively and undeservedly.
When we suffer trauma through abuse, especially abuse that continues in one form or another then our brain gets conditioned to expect things to go wrong – all the time.
Which makes us feel as if things are out of our control even now -just as they were when the original trauma took place and as a result there-of we remain in a permanently traumatized state.
Because of this we lose connect with ourselves and we feel totally powerless and helpless – later it gets part of our nature to play victim and use tantrums to keep ourselves in that pitying emotional state.
Many times, people develop psychological dis-orders in such a way that to regain their feeling of control - they resort to traumatizing others through passive-aggression and many other forms of subtle emotional-abuse.
Then these people kind of become unable to feel self-love because of the continuous internal self-criticism, negative-self-talk, shame, guilt, regret etc. – they fight to remain in this familiar and comfortable.
Many of this type of people – when they get into a relationship where their partner is very supportive and caring – they make constant efforts to kill and kick that person out of their life [many times this could be because of subconscious wiring getting short-circuited]
We lose track of who we really are – and start feeling ashamed of our core-self - which is the biggest lie.
When our Self-love is at bottom – and we are comfortable with abusing ourselves – then we also become adept in abusing others especially the ones who love us deeply and care for us sincerely.
At the end of this article – a real-life example is shared.
But the fact is - Self-love is the most difficult love to create.
When we are happy and content on the inside no matter what is taking place in our external world, we bring our best selves to our relationships with others.
Because - we attract people at the same vibrational level at which we love ourselves, if we feel inadequate, incomplete, broken or emotionally-immature we will end up attracting people who too have similar or worse issues.
On the other hand - if you have overflowing positive-vibes – you will be able to attract someone who is also whole – otherwise you may attract but may not be able to retain or kill that relationship and person emotionally at least.
67+ tips on How to build wonderful intimate relationship with your own-self.
Create few rituals and follow them as non-negotiable-commandment
- 1. Wake-up little early
- 2. Sit in the nature
- 3. Relax with tea, coffee, lemon-honey-water – whatever is your pleasure
- 4. Think about one good thing that you have identified in yourself
- 5. Mediate visualizing your future
- 6. Do exercise, yoga, deep-breathing, stretching
- 7. Be kind. Be gentle. Be compassionate - being your own best friend and cultivating self-love, self-care
- 8. Decide how you will celebrate being yourself
- 9. How will you treat yourself today
- 10.Which person you will interact with - who makes you feel come-alive make you feel great about yourself
- 11.Which people you will connect with
- 12.Which toxic people you will delete from your life
- 13.Who will you forgive today
- 14.How will you honor your body with healthy foods, looking and identifying why you are a wonderful person
- 15.Identifying at least one new aspect about yourself that increases your respect about yourself and makes you feel worthy
- 16.Identify and set intention, tone and goal of – how you like to feel about yourself
- 17.What type of people you would love to have in your life
- 18.What type of life you want to lead
- 19.Adopt an attitude of curiosity and acceptance
- 20.Create a personal crisis plan. - sometimes life deals us a really bad hand, or we make a decision which we regret and hate ourselves for
- 21.Maintain and engage yourself meaningfully
- 22.Work is important, and not everyone has a job they love, but it is important to find ways to make it meaningful
- 23.Likewise - for activities outside of work—hobbies, recreation, and volunteer activities—and meaningful personal and love relationships
- 24.Cultivate your own mind can be a source of great fascination and entertainment.
- 25.Create good habits -start your day in such a way that you increase the likelihood of having a day which supports your self-relationship goals
- 26.Self-love plays a huge role in our relationships with others. Whether it be romantic relationships, or friendships, the way we treat ourselves will always be reflected in the quality of our relationships
- 27.You can't depend on other people to make you feel loved
- 28.Every relationship should be a partnership
- 29.No one can make you happy the way you can make yourself happy – unless you open up to and share how you want to be treated and treat them likewise
- 30.Have fun
- 31.Do something you're good at
- 32.Do something that you feel good doing
- 33.Push yourself in the areas that you feel limits you
- 34.Challenge yourself to go beyond your current abilities
- 35.Do things that you are scared-of
- 36.Give back more than you receive to make you feel wonderful
- 37.Value yourself
- 38.Stop blaming
- 39.Take responsibility for
- I.Resolving conflict
- II.Nurturing relationship
- III.Building the bridges again
- IV.for having a happy life
- 40.Try to understand others
- 41.Try to give benefit of doubt – till you have clarified and verified
- 42.Associate positive meanings with people if you love them - meanings have energy
- 43.Set healthy boundaries
- 44.Practice assertiveness
- 45.Practice saying no
- 46.Allow yourself to fail
- 47.Help other volunteer
- 48.Do something new
- 49.Get off social media every once in a while
- 50.Stop compare yourself to others around you
- 51.Understand that caring for yourself is not self-indulgence - it is self-preservation
- 52.Express and talk about your feelings openly – become vulnerable - talking about your feelings can help you stay in good mental health and deal with times when you feel troubled
- 53.Keep active
- 54.Eat well, drink sensibly, sleep-well
- 56.Keep in touch
- 57.Ask for help without shame
- 58.Take break regularly – go to the mountains, sea-side
- 59.Identify all your weaknesses, flaws, regrets, mistakes-made, shameful-incidences etc. etc. PLUS all your positives and good qualities and strengths – then Accept who you are – totally and unconditionally
- 60.Understand that - mental wellbeing does not mean being happy all the time - and it also does not mean that you won't experience negative or painful emotions, such as grief, loss, or failure, which are a part of normal life
- 61.Face your fears – identify what makes you afraid, anxious, scared, panic-attack, phobia
- 62.Know when to seek and call for help
- 63.Learn how you can help yourself in positive manner
- 64.Practice mindfulness – by practicing
- I.Mindful breathing
- II.Mindful scanning and feeling good about your body and emotions
- III.Mindful walking
- IV.Mindful eating
- V.Mindful listening
- 65.Practice being grateful for your body
- 66.Let go of your inner perfectionist
- 67.Let go of judging others as well as yourself
I am requesting the reader of this blog tell me - Why – this happened – give all the reasons that you think of a golden relationship turning from Bless to Curse – at least for one partner who invested heavily emotionally and otherwise.
Don't read the possibilities given by me – answer first and then only read my part.
This example is of deep-rooted insecurities created through past-abusive-relationships and how they can self-sabotage someone as well as impact their current relationships and their current partner's life.
This is about a woman – who had an abusive relationship for almost 10+ years but did not walk-out of the same under the assumed-notion of giving the care of both the parents to her son.
Which never happened and she put-up with all kind of abuse – violence, sexual, physical, mental, emotional and financial.
After this became too-traumatic even for her to take it further – she sought and got divorced.
Then she was living alone with her son – still under terror of her ex.
Then she found a man about 8 months back – and as per her words
"Quote - IN HER WORDS"
- .I. I knew he was the one for me.
- II.We had intense relationship and this man was truly supportive of me despite my being irrational, moody and misunderstanding even the innocent remarks and jokes by taking them personally.
- III.I shared with him all my insecurities, my fears, my failures, and doubts - the ugly, scary monsters.
- IV.I opened up to him like I had never done in my life so far with anyone.
- V.Even after knowing my past and seeing my tantrums and dramas - he gave me what I have craved my entire life – Respect, Love, Care, Being There for me – and the most powerful of these -his acceptance of myself as I am
- VI.He slowly taught me how get these demons out of my psych.
- VII.He kept nurturing me by positive inducementsby focusing on what he called the real, beautiful, wonderful me.
- VIII.It never varied – he always said that all the positive he tells about me is about me the PERSON and if he criticizes me it will only for an act of mine and nothing else – he still maintained this till now.
- IX.I made many-many major mistakes – and each time he said – just move-on don't linger on it – I told him how can you don't get mad – he said that if he starts getting mad then our relationship will go nowhere. He only said that just don't repeat them again
- X.I made many commitments and promises – but hardly kept any of them
- XI.He also told me – if I feel upset or bad about anything that he has said or done – to assume that I have mis-understood and that he meant only positive – powerfully positive. He actually showed me numerous time what he meant by these through explaining patiently what he meant and what I understood
- XII.His compassion, love, romance turned out to be a more powerfully intense than I could ever have imagined
- XIII.He was always the person – who will come back and resolve any misunderstanding and conflict that happened due to my perceiving something out of sense
- XIV.Even after many such incidences he actually explained all these to me – whenever I sulked or got angry – proving what he meant – AND – pampered me back through LOVE
- XV.He also taught me to how to practice self-love and self-care.
- XVI.Then corona covid19 started and I got into series of one after another sickness – he was still with me.
- XVII.Suddenly because of my own feeling bad about my illness – I started distancing myself from him.
- XVIII.I also found that – all his helping me to become myself and living a life without inhibitions – were stored as grudges AND now suddenly for a very small reason exploded into inferno of anger -and since then my anger is not reducing in fact it is increasing – as I felt belittled because of my making so many mistakes and with my flaws
- XIX.He cried and begged me to talk so that we can work together LIKE WE DID earlier – but somehow my anger started increasing towards him
- XX.And now it is so much that I have blocked him on almost all the social media AND maybe I will block him totally
- XXI.He asked me why I am angry – I told him to go away – without giving him the reason
- XXII.He is still waiting for me to come back – I know
What will happen to this woman – will she be happy [no idea – as there are numerous possibilities – I have given few
- I.That she might have made herself [sub-consciously off-course] numb to feel either pleasure or pain
- II.She feels more comfortable with living with pain – as she held her pain for much longer during her trauma days and it gives her a familiar comfort to hold on to
- III.Because she has been hurt badly and kept on hurting – she has become a person who unconsciously hurt people closest to her
- IV.Maybe her suppressed anger that she felt for her ex – has taken-over her emotions, mind, heart and psyche – and it is into self-destructive mode
- V.Maybe – she is doing what in Hindi movies they do – if very sick they try to create hatred in the mind of their partner – so that the partner goes away
- VI.Maybe being in relationship – even though she felt happy – makes her feel guilty – because of lack of self-love AND she has started sabotaging it or have already done
- VII.She definitely needs loving and caring nurturing [but she has to allow others BY RECOGNIZING, CARING, APPRECIATING AND LOVING THE MAN WHO GIVES HER THE SUPPORT] – BUT- additionally she would ALSO need long-term therapy
- VIII.Maybe she got into relationship – on other's telling – and then found that she has to put up a front and act to show that she too loves him. But then putting up this mask became very tough – so she revolted this way.
- IX.Or she might have come under the influence of a powerful person who is behaving as a well-wisher but giving her destructive advice and suggestions – with this woman being suggestable to few people other than that man
- X.Or something triggered the anti-social or any psychological dis-order that was hidden or covered
- XI.Maybe she never valued the person and the relationship
- XII.Maybe she got scared of the intensity of the intimacy – emotional one as well as the physical part AS she was sexually abused and exploited
But it is a foregone conclusion that – she has managed to sabotage a wonderful possibility of living a joyous life.
BECAUSE – she lacks self-love, lacks-trust-in-herself, lacks-respect-for-herself, does-not value herself.
Meaning she does not have good relationship with her - that is why she could not appreciate the blessings she got and attacked ferociously to destroy that and possibly this man.
You also have to understand that – she may have become incapable of experiencing love, empathy, respect, happiness AS She does not believe that THESE positive things can in her life or that she deserves it.
And tell me - what will be the impact on the man – well
- I.It depends on him – if he is emotionally matured and practical – he may try few times – then may move on with his life
- II.But if he loves her deeply and is attached with her -it will be a slow and long-haul to overcome break-up-stress of extreme nature and at their age it would be kind of miracle
- III.May loose his sanity with grief
- IV.May wallow for some time and the bounce back or try to bounce-back
- V.May give-up on life
- VI.May give-up on the goodness of human-beings and women
PLEASE ALSO READ - http://relationshipandhappiness.com/never-date-women-who-were-abusive-relationships.html
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