How to understand others

​Why Understanding others is important, How to develop empathy, How to beat stress by understanding others

How many of you would answer yes to either or both of these statements[on relating them with your real life behaviors, thought processes and feelings]– the first one is You feel that you don't understand others and the 2nd You feel that others don't understand you correctly

These incidents could be with your very near-ones to complete strangers.

The biggest causes of divorces and separations between married couples and even between parents and children, fights and court cases between siblings, and also people resigning from their jobs because of the tiff with their bosses – can be attributed to misunderstanding, which had no base other than pre-conceived or prejudiced assumptions.

The doctors who are considered good listeners and caring are sued lessor.

Empathy makes economic sense also, many successful and iconic products came out wherever organizations used detailed processes to understand and connect with their target groups.

The opposite is also true, the brands which just followed their assumed success creating actions of elsewhere, without understanding the culture of a new demographics, failed miserably also.

You can find numerous examples of all the above individual as well as business cases proving above four paragraphs, all around you.

Many of the misunderstandings we have in our lives, are not only avoidable but also sortable for win-win satisfactory outcomes, if emotionally mature processes of creating and developing understanding/empathy were used by both the concerned parties.

Empathy and the skill of understanding others, is not just important to your interpersonal relationships. It has the biggest, most far reaching and encompassing impact on all aspects of your life, like, happiness, success, leadership, growth, quality and number of fulfilling relationships etc etc.

There is a great saying that, before you can even think of understanding, motivating and leading others, you must first understand, motivate and lead yourself.

What would happen, if we are able to understand others objectively without bias and through the process of understanding - before we criticize them, condemn them, judge them, insult them, take out our anger at them.

I think if this happens you would be lot happier, lot more in control of your life, lot more successful, lot less stressful and lot more satisfied.

This would lead to a positive upward spiral of, incidences and events those in turn would trigger more of the aforesaid feelings and emotions.

There is a very beautiful and enlightening story by one of the ancient Zen-masters.

It goes on like this, constant fight is going on inside each one of us, it is between two parties, One party is filled with anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, ego and likes etc.

The other has joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, , empathy, compassion, and faith.

You may ask, who will win, the answer of the Zen-master is, whoever you feed and focus on.

How to avoid the vicious spiral of misunderstanding

1.Accept, Respect, Appreciate
2.Understand that there is no point in killing ourselves over WHAT OTHERS WOULD THINK about us –because, no one cares about you, simply because, most of us are so self-absorbed in ourselves, our own struggles and life's other elements
3.Feeling Embarrassed is actually pointless because very few are only focusing a small portion of their thoughts onto judging you, your feeling overwhelmed is self-created.
4.Then again, hurt you feel from other people's neglect, remarks or any other reactions you have observed and magnified, is a side-effect, of your insecurities and self-enlarged. Other's behavior is not the cause
5.If you are feeling depressed or angry with someone or for some reason, the way you would react to others, may not be the true explanations of your feelings distort their true feelings towards the people you are venting your feelings. Similarly when others react to you in uncalled for manner, the same principal applies
6.The accepted wisdom is that when women uses words like, "fine," and, "go ahead," only when they really feel the opposite – this is true for males too.
7.People are Lonely
8.Identify, note-down and understand which people, situations and scenarios fills you with overwhelming floods of negative emotions. Then try what happens if you express your true feelings[with closed one's first]
9.When you find your expressing true feelings gives you negative outcomes, either change the way you express or change the people you express your true feelings – till you get the right combination
10.If you want to understand others, you need to dive deeper to start understanding other's emotions

How do we become empathic, understand ourselves and understand others better.

1.Practice being genuinely yourself
2.Try to sincere with yourself first and then with others
3.Stop faking, stop flattering, stop trying to please, stop try to get other's approval[if you feel an overpowering need for these, then you need to work on your insecurities – read my blog on insecurities in success unlimited mantra
4.Understand the importance of empathy and the difference between objective empathy and attached sympathy
5.Attached sympathy would make you feel guilty and sorry, when you see others who have a bad life, and your own happiness would go for a toss
6.Like, A surgeon performing emergency surgery cannot spend time considering how this might make the patient feel, while say amputing to save their lives
7.Understanding others does not mean that you have to agree with their feelings or point of view, it only means that you recognise their point of view, and accept that it is different from yours
8.Dictators, Torturers, sadists, psychopaths and people with anti-social psychological dis-orders, have extremely good cognitive empathy to work out how best to hurt someone, but without having any sympathy towards them.
9.Making Sense of Reactions
10.Become a good observer - Try these ways to develop your observation skills, also read my blog on how to sharpen your observation skills in details in https://successunlimited-mantra.com/index.php/blog
11.Develop the habit of observing others naturally, without intruding on their privacy or even staring, just observe their expressions and body language and try to identify how people might be feeling based on their body language, facial expressions, and what they're doing.
12.Whenever possible verify your impressions about their feelings, without sounding nosey
13.Develop good listening skills
14.Polish the art of asking questions
15.Practice listening well in everyday conversations, Tune in to feelings as well as the words, you can also listen/watch for non-verbal cues
16.Ask others what they need
17.Show a sincere interest in others
18.Understanding the reality of your peers, seniors and juniors like their need to achieve results, get recognition, get promoted etc etc
19.If you find you have issues understanding those around you, slow down and try to truly understand - where they are coming from, what they are going through, what is their motivation for doing something, what they need or want from you
20.We are born and grow with different natures, which , in return lead to different likes and dislikes, inclination, disinclination's , temptations and abilities to perform and act.
21.Learn to avoid blaming people
22.Everyone is emotional
23.People have short memories
24.Learn to have passion to listen to
25.Learn to ask deep probing open ended questions
26.Without discounting, allow the other person to feel how they are feeling, help them understand and relate with what and how you feel through a real-life-incidents
27.Develop your self-confidence and learn not take other's actions/reactions/ remarks personally.
28.Be Curiosity
29.Watch other's Interactions
30.Use Analytical Tools
31.Use psychometric tools to understand yourself and if possible others
32.Stand Back & reflect
33.Introspect about what you did and why you did and if faced with similar situations how would you like to handle these situations and people
34.Challenge yourself, Understand your own underlying assumptions and then explore other possible explanations besides what you felt initially as first impression
35.Get out of your usual environment. Travel, especially to new places and cultures
36.Ask for feedback about your relationship skills from family, friends, and colleagues
37.Talk to others about what it is like to walk in their shoes—about their issues and concerns and how they perceived experiences you both shared.
38.Identify, Understand and Examine your biases
39.Be Vulnerable, read my blog on how to be vulnerable in https://successunlimited-mantra.com/index.php/blog
40.Smile at people, Use people's names and encourage them, especially those who want to but are unable to, Encouraging people can be as simple as nodding at them while they talk in a meeting
41.Try to empathize with people whose beliefs you don't share
42.Give genuine recognition and appreciation
43.Challenge yourself to have a deeper conversation with a colleague, your spouse, your friend and your children and siblings and parents
44.Accept and Experience the major differences among people.
45.Put aside your viewpoint, and try to see things from the other person's point of view.
46.Validate the other person's perspective
47.Your Empathic Abilities Don't Have to Be a Curse, learn the art of detaching yourself through practicing this through NLP
48.Learn to manage your anger, read my blog in success unlimited mantra
49.Building understanding by Repeating and Paraphrasing
50.Learn to identify and Understand how your emotions or feelings may be affecting your thoughts and reactions
51.Dig deeper to understand the other's feelings and underlying intentions, to do this learn to have meaningful conversations, read my blog in success unlimited mantra
52.All of us have our own set of insecurities that prevent us from being ourselves, As a result, people will often hold back from expressing their true feelings and intentions to protect themselves from judgment, criticism, embarrassment, and ridicule They may not express their true feelings to protect their self-esteem
53.Understand that others could be holding back their true feelings and emotions, you can check these from whether there is a balance and consistency in what some says something, how they say things, and what they , If there are inconsistencies regarding what they say and the actions they take
54.Verify the Accuracy of What You're Hearing and observing
55.Offer Your emotional Support
56.Practice Emotional Detachment
57.Your primary objective is to leave people feeling confident and empowered.
58.If all you care about is yourself and your own well-being, then you simply don't have what it takes to develop empathy
59.Empathy is something you grow into over time. It's something that becomes part of your nature through mindful practice and application
60.Assign yourself to play different roles throughout the day, try feeling what are the pain areas the person having this as a primary function would feel
61.You cannot develop deeper levels of empathy if you don't have genuine interest in helping other people grow
62.While conversing with people, avoid the temptation of trying to complete their sentences. Work on listening first, then responding appropriately
63.And, when you respond, please don't give people unsolicited advice
64.Your goal is not to provide answers and solutions but to instead draw the answers out of them