How to Trust


​Why Who How and When to trust, Importance of trust in relationship/business/ leadership etc.

And most important, Trusting Yourself, especially after you have experienced multiple incidences of setbacks because you banked on someone.

If you are unable to trust or are suspicious or doubting by nature, you can not grow and neither can you be happy and peaceful.

In fact, then your life is likely to be filled with, sheer misery, bitterness and stress, if you are unable to trust others and yourself.

But the interesting paradox is that, you are betrayed only by those you trust, and you would be betrayed only when you trust.

If you don't trust, your chances of getting cheated or hurt or being taken for ride becomes insignificant.

Yet, for a very happy, successful and fulfilling relationships and life, you must trust without guard, even if you have been let down, many times, and have lost big way emotionally, financially, in relationships, at work, professionally and any other aspects of life.

Especially, if you happen to be a leader, or business-head or family elder or into social causes, you can only grow through trusting others.

Although, you should not to trust the same people, who have backstabbed you in major ways, but trust you must – if you want to live your life fully and meaningfully.

Trusting too much, blindly putting faith in others, being totally dependent on others, is on the other hand is a recipe for disaster, betrayal, loss, hurt and making you stop living your life.

In this article, we would try to give you few pointers, when to trust, whom to trust and how to trust.

And how to restart your life with trust and faith, after you have faced shocking incidents of losing out because of trusting others.

I personally, trust naturally, as a result thereof, others have misused my trust and I have lost majorly and have suffered and had very traumatic experiences, again and again.

I am giving below few incidents, from my own life for you to introspect on what would you do, if you face with same situation – meaning stop trusting or continue trusting [all these incidents have happened very recently].

Situation 1

I got introduced to this person in the year 2000, in a training program. He is from one of the top premier institution of India and is reasonably successful professionally.

I started going to his office on his invitation to brainstorm and help him arrive at mostly marketing issues. I kept on going to his place. 

After few years I noticed that, even though I am going for the reasons benefitting him, most of the times I need to wait say for 30 minutes to 2 hours. 

After coming back too, he has visitors, takes official calls while I am sitting and waiting for him to finish. It would take say 6 hours[because along with other reasons mentioned, in between our discussions, his employees would walk in for his views and opinions] – which should have taken 2 hours. 

Initially when I realized, I just ignored this feeling, as I thought of him as friend. This continued for 18 years and for maybe 1000+ of my visits[mind you there was not financial or any other benefit were there in these]. 

And out of these 1000 visits, we would have met maybe maximum 20 times for discussing my issues. Few months back, when he was late as usual, I just told him that he does not care for my time. 

Just few days back, he called me and invited me to meet him, I asked, what time he would be free, he said 11am, knowing his habits, I walked in at 11.20am. I found that, he was still in a meeting. 

I waited for him, then, he joined, in between his employee too walked in couple of times during our discussions, then he took a call which made me sit through 45 minutes. This time I told harshly, it was a business call, which he could have taken later. His reaction, he showed that he is feeling bad & said sorry & also came to see me off. BUT AFTER THAT HE just STOPPED TALKING, imagine after 18 years, this to happen.

Situation 2

I went to this foreign bank, they call themselves as the safest bank of Asia. I went for a FCNR deposit[which is like, a fixed deposit, as far as the Indian Banks are concerned, meaning, your capital remains completely safe and you earn an interest on the capital – only difference is that, it is fully repatriatable in the same foreign currency outside India]. 

In such a bank you don't normally do any due-diligence. As I ASS- U-ME-D that it would be same. On a chance hunch, I checked if I can break it and go for a new one, with more interest rate applicable in current period. When I asked, the relationship manger was reluctant to give any answer, later she said, that if you break now you would lose around 15% of capital[this was after keeping my money with them for 2 years]. 

What? And then I learned that they have invested in something which is related with the currency market and is not guaranteed at all. The interest I signed on was just 1.9%, who would take this risk for this gain knowingly. I was conned.

Situation 3

This is a organization, where I had worked with earlier MD, then there was a leadership change and a turbulence. A new MD had joined[he was in senior position under earlier MD]. He called me for conducting a large intervention for his, I conducted one outbound/offsite to start the ball rolling. 

I got paid for the same. Then I went for 4 additional days of work, with him and his team. On the 4th day he said that as he is new and needs to show the results, and have less budget, can I do the same for three months in a rate, which is almost 1/5 of my charges. I said alright, I would do it, as it was a bad economic and financial situation, I was going through. He asked for detailed, calendar for intervention. I sent it to him. 

After that it is almost a month, no response. Earlier too under the earlier MD this had happened[The HR director, had taken the detailed plan and used her husband to conduct the programs at that time] – this HR director is same, and I believe that similar things have happened again.

Why it is important Trust Others

1.We learn and grow with one another and without trust this is unlikely
2.In almost all aspects of life, we need the help and cooperation of others
3.Major portions of Achieving Our Dreams/Goals/Objectives are dependent on others
4.When we trust others, our energies, time and capabilities, become free for larger causes
5.Unless we have psychological issues, by nature we are social, and we need to be around people, and unless you trust being among people would be very painful
6.Suspicion and doubts can kill almost all the joys of our life, without giving us any advantage at all
7.We can be genuine, as when we trust someone, we can let out our weaknesses, mistakes and thought processes openly with that someone. This is a major stress buster
8.By trusting, we are more hopeful, more positive and better outlook of the world, as our reality is focused on constructive
9. When we trust and also learn to move on when others betray us – it actually creates exponential growth and transformations in our life

When & Who to Trust

[most of these are experiential, meaning that you would know in your subconscious, over a period of time, after their pattern is identified]

1.Initially Respecting and trusting others, and continuing only when these are reciprocated by them
2.Trusting your parents, siblings and children [ this has very less exception – because in spite of misunderstandings – these would be almost always your well-wishers - although there are cases, when it is not advisable]
3.Your spouse, unless, there are tell tale signs of some ulterior hidden agenda OR no appropriate reciprocation of your trust, respect and love[ if these happens, either sit and have open and transparent conversation OR seek help from people both of you respect and have faith in them OR seek professional expert's help]
4.When they are there with you, in times of your need
5.When they show their gratitude for you being there, in their life
6.When they make you feel good about yourself
7.When you feel completely safe with them
8.When you have shared your darkest secrets, and yet they accept you, without letting these impacts their perceptions about you
9.When they have never tried to take advantage of your weaknesses
10.When thy do things for you, without expecting anything in return
11.When they leave everything, they are involved in – whenever you ask or they sense, to listen to you/pay attention to you
12.They offer unsolicited advice [this coming from point 2 people is a sign of true care and love]
13.They are not afraid to tell you, when you are wrong[this is very important sign, especially if there are incidences, if you have experienced with them – meaning that they said something and you did not do that but did as per your impulse and incurred loss
14.They accept you fully, in spite of your doing something that have hurt them
15.In most cases, you find them consistent in their promises and their subsequent deeds, meaning what they say and what they do is same
16.They initiate the conversation, in case of conflict or when you are angry or upset with them. They do it even when, there is no need for them to do it or they don't gain anything special from you
17.They don't try to control you
18.They trust you fully with major things
19.They don't talk behind your back or malign you
20.When they demonstrate strong personal values
21.When they are not afraid of sticking their neck out for you

How to Trust Others

1.Never make yourself totally dependent on others for your happiness
2.Try to be self-reliant as much as you can – maximum that you can, within your area of control
3.Initiate trust at the start of a new relationship and increase your level of trust in others, when they reciprocate and when they do things to earn your respect and trust

The Keys Elements of Building Trust – all * are the DIY tips in my separate blogs on these topics 
1. Do not let stray incidences to impact your virtue of trusting others 
2. On the other hand, if your guts tell you or you feel strongly about someone's intent, subtly verify your doubts [But this has to be done with people, who are in your outer periphery of your life] 
3. Trust others, but be prepared to move on, if your trust is misplaced* 
4. Learn to trust yourself
5. Learn to accept and love yourself as you are* 
6. Be trustworthy, reliable and dependable yourself 
7. Honor your commitments always, or don't make them at all* 
8. In fact it is better to under promise and deliver more
9. In case you make mistake, apologize and if necessary, try to make it up 
10. Do not sulk, if you feel someone has done wrong, be assertive* and resolve conflict* by having open conversation if possible 
11. Be respectable not likeable* 
12. Be a professional* 
13. Identify and live for your values* 
14. Express yourself clearly* 
15. Go for what is right and not what is popular 
16. Set clear boundaries in your relationships* and let the person be aware of these boundaries 
17. Be there for others 
18. Stop gossiping and talking at the back 
19. Turn from back-stabber to back-slapper 
20. Help others unconditionally 
21. Get rid of toxic people, who make you feel bad about yourself 
22. Develop your self-confidence*, as people with low self-confidence tend to look indecisive and hence considered untrustworthy 
23. Take bold decisions* 
24. Take risk* 
25. Own-up and take personal responsibility* 
26. Do not use threat or power of whatever you posses to make people do what you want 
27. Learn to say no* 
28. Stand-up for others and good causes 
29. Develop other people* 
30. Have faith in other's intent, unless proven wrong 
31. Those who have betrayed you more than once, keep distance/avoid, if not possible to cut them off from your life 
32. Initiating Open and transparent communication, without hidden agenda Initiating Open and transparent communication, without hidden agenda Initiating Open and transparent communication, without hidden agenda 
33. Understand that trustworthy people are reliable and on-time 34. Know that trustworthy people follow through on their words

How to trust yourself 
1. Learn to enjoy spending time with yourself 
2. Treat yourself to treats time to time 
3. Learn to expand your knowledge 
4. Become a good observer* to understand what makes other react 
5. Identify and accept what makes you tick and explode 
6. Meditate 
7. Exercise 
8. Travel to newer cultures and people 
9. Get in touch with your own dreams 
10. Ensure that your decisions and actions are based on growth and not on fear* 
11.Don't incorporates other's concerns and fear as your own 
12. Develop thick-skin against unwarranted criticism 
13. Learn to move on from failures, mistakes, crises etc 
14. Forgive yourself and Forgive others 
15. Be what you expect from others 
16. Demonstrate who you are through actions 
17. Learn to communicate using simple language to minimize misunderstanding 
18. Become a good listener 
19. Become a life long learner to show that you are willing to improve
20. Admit your mistakes 
21. Expand your open quadrant, as per JOHARI window, by being transparent 
22. Learn to identify and avoid people who are good weather friends 
23. Identify and avoid people, who treat others badly or talk about others at their back 
24. Be vulnerable, make vulnerability your strength*

Identify if you have trust issue and you need help [Check if any of the following is true for you]

1. You fear getting close to people because you are scared to get scarred once again 2.You are not able to share your mistakes, your desires, your dreams etc
3.You are still holding on to pains, that someone gave, say 10 years back
4.You fear getting close to others because you don't trust your ability to handle changes and the adjustment, you would have to make
5.You don't think you are fit to handle life

6. You feel people do not understand you at all

7.You feel that everyone is out to harm you and Believe that others are deceptive or malevolent without evidence
8.You don't have friends or intimate relationships or stormy relationships
9.Deep mistrust of others
10.Terror of physical intimacy

But just because something painful happened in your past doesn't mean that all the people and your future would have history repeat itself[even though it could happen, in case you say yes to at least 2 of the above 10 points AND don't seek professional help].

Trust issues often come from early life experiences through, having been abused/violated/ill-treated/ tortured/ rejected/ punished/ insulted/ traumatic-events/accident/ illness/ loss-death-separation of loved ones etc. These things may lead to difficulty trusting as an adult.

How to work on your Trust Issues – what you can do yourself

1.Don't expect perfection from yourself and others

2.Understand that trust can also be established in some areas and withheld in others

3.Stop yourself from jumping into trust too fast

4.Don't get caught in thinking that the only choice is between complete trust and no trust at all

5.Learn to recognize and appreciate the small and big ways in which trustworthiness shows up in your life

6.Build a support group of people, you can count on for help and support during tough times.

7. Beware the Hard Sell

8.Beware of People Who Move Too Fast in Relationships
9.Understand that It Takes Two to Trust

10. Trustworthiness is all about your or other's ability to be Credible, Reliable Intimate and being able to get out of self-applaud to focus on others
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