How to stop feeling guilty, ashamed and how not to give a Damn.
In Our today's social-media controlled society – people's complete acceptance at face-value [of the posts showing] "how my life is so stunningly rocking and exciting and beautiful than yours" has created a whole generation of people with FOMO*s [fear of missing out] and people with emotional insecurities.
This phenomenon has also made people believe that having the negative experiences, emotions and feelings of anxiety*, fear*, guilt etc. etc. IS NOT OKAY AT ALL.
Irrespective of who you are and how well you are doing professionally, socially, financially and otherwise –chances are that you would have gone through multiple instances which gave rise to the feelings of Guilt*, Shame*, Regrets*, Embarrassment* and other similarly disempowering emotions and feelings .
In reality - Most of these feelings are of temporary nature and with passage of time – the uneasy, discomfort-able, nagging-painful-feelings fade on their own.
And even in those cases where the incidents have significant impact - Emotionally mature people are able to feel, face, grow-above and overcome their unresourceful states to get on with their lives by putting these mistakes behind.
Whereas for many people - some of the instances and the subsequently triggered feelings become their life-long tormentor and create psychological /emotional issues needing expert professional help.
Here in this article we will understand the psychology behind our guilt, shame, regret and self-blame AND learn the ways to deal with them in more effective and healthier manner.
We need to understand that our life is full of many-many small as well as big events, instances, events and incidences.
These are our stories of life and there is a cause, consequence and cost of each of our stories.
Then everything that we choose* to do or not do in our lives too have relevant consequences and costs.
But the problem becomes critical when we sweat the small stuff – this will not evident when we are going through a particular phase BUT in hindsight many of these incidents that made you feel bad about yourself is ACTUALLY LOOKS insignificant.
Another cause is Most of us have mastered the art of being major in minor and simmering in the swamp of smaller issues.
Why we feel the Regrets, the Guilts, The Shames, The Embarrassments
- 1.The current economic, political, social and religious climate have conditioned us to be obsessively focused on unrealistically positive
- 2.Expectations of Being better/smarter/faster/richer/sexier/more-popular/hour-glass-fit/ a nicer job/ a flashy car/ a prettier girlfriend etc. etc.
- 3.All these [better ]stuff that we have subconsciously bought-in is actually fixated on what we lack and on our perceived personal shortcomings and weaknesses – as a result we try to learn all the ways to make money because we feel we don't have enough OR try to be fairer OR be more admired
- 4.This POSITIVE-THEORY – talks in terms of permanence – the live happily ever-after concept
- 5.Because of these - While dealing with any difficult-person*, any big disappointment, a tough situation, crisis* and setbacks or any adversity – we REACT* instead of responding of some kind - that is not very empowering*
- 6.We overreact AND We compare* with others based on their social media posts
- 7.We blow things out of proportion
- 8.We get anxious about confronting a difficult situation* or a difficult person – thinking constantly about this anxiety makes you become anxious about being anxious – AND – this makes you feel guilty, inadequate, ashamed
- 9.It puts us in a vicious cycle – as We feel guilty for feeling guilty OR We get angry about getting angry and thereby making us even madder
- 10.Because we are immobilized by low pay-off* issues - We lose sight of our big picture and thereby we live our lives as in perpetual big emergency
- 11.This focus on the negatives many times manage to annoy people who could assist us in reaching to our goals
- 12.Often, we are busy dealing with one drama after another
- 13.We are unable to recognize that the way we perceive our situation AND NOT THE SITUATION THEMSELVES – that has a lot to do with most of our pains
- 14.We just can't let-go*
- 15.For us Failures, mistakes and hurt become the permanent part of our life – to impact our as well as future of those who are depending on us
How to handle it – like all my blogs all the *marked ones have detailed DIY blog on that topic
- 1.Understand that WHILE THERE IS NOTHING WRONG TO BE WANTING TO MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER – focusing* on wrong or low-priority* values WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE HELL
- 2.If we are working crazily – because we want something JUST BECAUSE someone else has it – we have already set us up for major disappointments and pains
- 3.If we are literately giving F*ck about too many low-value objectives – then our life is definitely going to be F*cked – if it is not already so
- 4.Identify what is
- I.Meaningful for you
- II.What is meaningful as well as sustainable for you in long-term
- III.Clearly distinguish from BAD Values and Good Values
- IV.Unhealthy Values - Pleasure, Popularity, basing your self-worth how much you have or earn, always Being right, Always Trying to Stay Positive [Denying negative emotions leads to experiencing deeper and more prolonged negative emotions and eventually to emotional dysfunction], dominating others through manipulation or violence, focusing on going for other's approval, pleasing everyone
- V.Healthy values -Honesty, self-improvement, being vulnerable*, being assertive*, standing up for yourself and others, self-respect, curiosity, accepting mistakes, learning from everyone, humility, creativity and innovation, excellence
- VI.Then choosing What is most important for you in long term
- VII.What are you willing to struggle for and What is the pain that you want to endure in order to gain something big that you are passionate about - You have to choose something
- VIII.What is absolutely non-negotiable in long-term for you
- IX.And does all above 4 answers makes you inspired, motivated and thrilled
- X.Then choose the most powerfully inspiring few goals
- XI.Then create a road-map – by working backwards from your end goals till your today's action steps
- XII.Identify the gaps, challenges, the resources needed and the resources you already have
- XIII.Explore all possible solutions, options, possibilities
- XIV.Start Operating from area of our control* – to apply the wisdom of - Change the things that can be changed, accept those that cannot, and have the wisdom to know the difference
- 5.Here our focus is on Disciplined and constant Self-improvement, self-correction and self-transformation
- 6.Our self-talk – can be - I feel like shit, but who gives a damn
- 7.Choosing to scale down on the opportunities that we are going to put our efforts* and energies* in
- 8.Polish your that USP and learn to be comfortable with your averageness
- 9.Try not to be Too-Sure of yourself – always ask yourself - What if I'm wrong, What are my assumptions about this situation, does other explanation exists about this, how can I handle the situation if things go wrong
- 10.Create Healthy Boundaries* around you
- 11.Give your 100%* always
- 12.Learn how to let go*
- 13.Learn how to be yourself*
- 14.Learn how to bounce back from Failures*
- 15.Pro-actively turn your life upside down*
- 16.Seek to Change* before it changes you OR forced on you
- 17.Focus* on Delivering Meaningful Value* and to make Positive difference to others
- 18.Learn how to turn your frustrations* into triumphs
- 19.Learn how can you change your emotions* instantly
- 20. Learn how to handle grief*, depression*, stress*
- 21. Understanding the following basics of Happiness, Success, Accomplishments and Relationships
- I.Our desire for more positive experience is in itself a negative mindset whereas accepting negative experience leads to positive experiences
- II.The more desperately we want to look sexy - the uglier we may find ourselves to be, the more desperate we want to be happy and loved – the lonelier we may feel
- III.Start noticing that – whenever we start focusing on the right values, efforts and actions AND stop thinking about the outcomes – we do better
- IV.When we fail at while experimenting to solve a problem - leads to a better understanding of what's necessary to be successful
- V.When we start accepting our insecurities - makes us feel more confident and in control and empowered*
- VI.The pain of resolving a conflict creates a meaningful sustainable trust and respect in our relationships
- VII.Suffering through our fears and anxieties is what allows us to build courage and perseverance
- VIII.On the other hand – all our attempts to escape the negative, to avoid it – gives us negative outcomes
- IX.The avoidance of suffering is a suffering, the avoidance of struggle itself is a struggle, Hiding what is shameful makes us internally ashamed which is very-very dangerous, The denial of failure leads to bigger failures
- X.We can't avoid feeling negative - TRICK of dealing with our negative emotions is to - express them in a healthy manner and channelize that energy to constructive actions
- XI.Anger* is not a bad thing – it is just a signal like fever – your recognizing and taking action
- XII.Solving problems is a recipe for generating happiness
- XIII.Not caring about and being indifferent is bad – but we need to choose our struggles and fights
- XIV.Rejections are painful – but if you can work out the solution – it would definitelybring big success
- XV.Suffering sucks and may not be meaningful in some cases and avoidable – but our pains teach us what to pay attention to when we are careless - Therefore, it's not always beneficial to avoid pain and seek pleasure
- XVI.In few cases – experiencing and feeling emotional pain is healthy for our future growth
- XVII.We may all want a life that is problem-free and full of everlasting happiness – but seriously - Happiness Comes from Solving Problems
- XVIII.Most of us are pretty average at most things we do- Many celebrities are often total fuckups in their personal lives and as clueless about life as the people who gawk at them
- XIX.The rare people who do become truly exceptional at something - it is because they are obsessed with living their lives in spite of their challenging handicaps
- XX.And also, those People who become great at something become great because they solve a problem that solves many more people's same problem