​How to be more assertive

In this article you will learn

1. 24 signs, behaviors and traits of Submissive personalities
2. 25 signs, behaviors and traits of Aggressive Personalities
3. 26 signs, behaviors and traits of Passive-Aggressive Personality
4. 11 signs, behaviors and traits of Passive-personalities
5. 42 Situations You Need to Be Assertive – Check Your response to the following questions
6. 21 Powerful WHYs - why should you be practicing Assertiveness – ask yourself – do you Want To Experience and have the following in your life – please note down all your YESes
7. 90+ Tips on Developing the Right Mindset & Understand the Fundamentals -before you can Start Practicing the Steps on How to be assertive
8. 6 Ways How We Acquire Non-assertive Personality
9. Understand Your Rights & the Consequences of Claiming Your Rights Understand your Basic rights in every Relationship -11 ways to Create CLARITY About Your Rights
10. 40 Tips on How To Be Assertive

5 personalities based on assertiveness scale

Before understanding what Assertiveness is – it is very important to first understand what other types of personalities exists.

Broadly – we can club people into 5 personality types based on how they behave, react, respond, think, communicate – both internally as well as externally.

1. Submissive
2. Aggressive
3. Passive-aggressive
4. Passive
5. Assertive

24 signs, behaviors and traits of Submissive personalities

1. Submissive people give the control and power over the directions, their life and future to others – sometimes even to strangers [depend upon their degree of submissiveness].
2. It happens because they aren't sure what they need to do and what they can do.
3. They look up to leader-figures and people who are as per them smarter and those who take charge of the situations
4. In most cases they make their needs, wants, desires – secondary to others
5. If even, they find that say yes to something will harm them and even their loved ones – they may still accept that from others
6. They have a very-very deep need of validation, recognition, appreciation and acceptance from others
7. They are conformist – they follow rules laid by others and society
8. Most of all, they look at the leader.
9. Submissive people will force themselves to laugh when the group is laugh – even if there is no reason to laugh
10. The moment someone confronts them – they Become Defensive – and start Giv Justification
11. They have to have constant Reassurance from others -about their being right or acceptable to the group or that person
12. If they are voicing disagreement or are making some controversial statement they are criticizing others – they avoid look in the eyes of others
13. Submissive people take threats seriously are and fearful of causing offense to others
14. Many times, their inner insecurity makes them use Filler Words hmmm, uhmm, well etc.
15. Submissive individuals fear social judgment and fear look bad.
16. Thus, they preface their ideas and opinions with words that soften the blow- like I'm not an expert, but… " and I hope this is not completely stupid…
17. They overreact Emotionally
18. Submissive people are afraid of confront others, even when they are right.
19. Submissive people look insecure because, often -they themselves don't know what they want.
20. Submissive people seek to provide those responses and answers that the group will accept or what the dominant individual wants to hear.
21. They say something, then look for cues in the environment - And if they don't get any - they change their position and opinions - look for some encouragement from the group.
22. When things go wrong, the submissive person is likely to assume that they are to blame in some way and accept blame proactively many times
23. They feel good when they feel they have managed to please others
24. They sulk a lot AND hold grudges – as almost people – force them to accept what they don't want AND they force themselves to do it

25 signs, behaviors and traits of Aggressive Personalities

1. Few aggressive people may resort to causing physical or emotional harm to others - It could be through verbal abuse to physical abuse and violence
2. Aggressive people cross and violate social and personal relationship boundaries
3. They feel irritated, angry and restless – if people don't do what they demand
4. Their actions, decisions, and reactions are more impulsive than planned
5.It causes them lots of harm of every kind
6. They create many-many enemies
7. They find it hard to control their aggression
8. They use their power, authority and aggression to get what they want
9. It's all always about what they want or need – other's desires and rights does not matter to them
10. They always think from one angle - how it affects them
11. They are Unwilling to accept responsibility
12. They believe their opinion is fact
13. They Undermine everyone else
14. Their postures could be - like they are going to attack or assault
15. They do Defensive listening – meaning – they only listen with the intent to give a befitting reply
16. Intense eye contact – stare at you - with the purpose of making you cow-down
17. They use Loud voice and tantrums like bang table, throw things etc.
18. They are quick to blame others
19. They make demands from others - which erodes other's basic rights
20. They may refuse perfectly legitimate, rational and apt requests of others
21. They Make open threats
22. Their language could include
23. 'I want …'
24. 'I need …'
25. 'I must have

26 signs, behaviors and traits of Passive-Aggressive Personality

• 1. This personality-type is the most dangerous of all – if you happen to be the person at receiving end from these people.
• 2. They will never express what they want – even if you ask them repeated
• 3. You can't expect constructive feedback from them – if at all they give – it would be the negative remarks
• 4. They are grudge-warehouse – they will hold all the grudges – especially the imagined or perceived ones – and wait to punish you
• 5. Because they don't express, don't give feedback, don't tell specifically what they want – whatever you do – will never really satisfy them,
• 6. Like submissive personalities – they too are people pleaser.
• 7. They are expert in hurt sarcasm
• 8. They use humor to mask how they are really feeling
• 9. They may claim that they were joking when they feel that their remarks or reactions may make others dislike them
• 10. They also use humor to deflect any sort of criticism that may happen because of their remarks
• 11. They normally never keep their promises.
• 12. They are very specific with emotional punishments to those whom they think have antagonized them
• 13. They are very manipulative, scheming and cunning
• 14. They will never forget any wrong and try to give you tit for tat many-many times
• 15. They are very-very miser with their compliments and appreciations and recognizing efforts of others
• 16. If they give compliments – which could be actually disguised insults
• 17. Passive-aggressive people are afraid, ashamed and unwilling to express themselves and their true wants, desires, feels etc.
• 18. They could be involved in gossip or spread rumors
• 19. They don't want to be supervised at work and want to be left alone at work.
• 20. They have a habit of say "fine" - It's always "fine." – you can easily recognize that their say "It's fine" means the opposite.
• 21. "If you ask them if they are angry, they will push back and say that - 'No, I'm not angry
• 22. They love giving silent treatment to others
• 23. They will ask you questions in answers to your questions which will lead you answer or getting a specific answer that they want OR so that you will read their mind
• 24. They may act and feel like a victim
• 25. They have mastered the art of giving Subtle insults
• 26. They demonstrate Sullen behavior
• 11 signs, behaviors and traits of Passive-personalities
• 1. They are very-very Stubbornness
• 2. They are non-reactive
• 3. They are non-expressive
• 4. They are Emotionally numb
• 5. They Have given up completely – that is why don't care
• 6. They are Not energetic
• 7. They Will have one reaction – nothing can change my, our situation – so why bother
• 8. They Neither feel overly joyed nor very sad
• 9. They will normally avoid any changes unless forced on them
• 10. They Can get into the security of their shell if – very big upsets happen
• 11. They can just be immune to what happens around them – in their life, in the lives of their loved ones and in the world

IF YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THE ABOVE 4 personalities – THEN YOU MUST learn how to deal with these people effectively.

Please read among my 900+ Do-it-yourself detailed articles on many aspects of improvement in self – psychologically, mentally, emotionally, physically, career or profession wise, intelligent-wise, financially, socially etc. PLUS on how to handle Aggressive, Arrogant, Manipulative, Toxic, difficult and Abusive people.

12 signs, behaviors and traits of Assertive Personalities

1. They treat everyone with respect and don't allow others to disrespect them
2. They neither encroach on others' rights NOR let anyone take away their rights
3. They can put their points – even if against the popular and majority – with easy
4. They can say NO easily – in a manner that does not leave any doubt
5. They treat everyone as equal and adult to adult – even when they ae deal children
6. They are straight-forward and direct in their demands, requests and instructions
7. They can express themselves appropriately in any situation
8. They let others know how they feel us I statement vis-à-vis the Blame statements us YOU
9. They stand up for themselves as well as others who are unable to do so for themselves
10. They have clear values
11. They practice healthy boundaries
12. They are honest with themselves and accept their mistakes without feel guilty – as hey will make it up through apologizing as well by meaningful actions

42 Situations You Need to Be Assertive – Check Your response to the following questions

1. How many of you have difficulty in saying NO – think about the situations and people - where you want to say NO but end up say YES] – especially to people who may have power over you
2. How many of you feel embarrassed, guilty or ashamed - while asking for favors or help from others
3. How many of you know all your basic personal rights
4. How many of you can handle put-downs by others effectively - in classy manner
5. How many of you are comfortable in giving and receiving compliments
6. How many of you can have discussions on difficult topics without becoming defensive or argumentative or get into the mode of justifying what you did
7. How many of you have a deep need for the approval and validation of others
8. How many of you can deal with abusive, difficult, controlling people effectively
9. How many of can put your point comfortably in a meeting - where few powerful people are dominating the conversation
10. How many of you can say comfortably something which goes against the majority – in the right way – without feeling anxious
11. How many of you get concerned with – what others will think
12. How many of you feel comfortable in negotiating in places – where they put the notices that no bargain allowed
13. How many of you negotiate and get solutions instead of only complaining
14. How many of you can bring tough issues of relationship and have a discussion – rather than arguments or try to prove that you are right or become sulky
15. How many of you feel bad – if someone refuses your request – even though you have done them lots of favors
16. How many of you can comfortably accept your mistakes and can apologize without feeling bad about yourself
17. How many of you can resolve the conflict without planning to get even at the first opportunity after you have said YES
18. How many of you can take criticism without flinching
19. How many of you can distinguish between critiquing and criticism and objectively and accept the ones which are right – without feeling antagonized with the person
20. How many of you can stand-up for your rights
21. How many of you can stand-up for the rights of helpless people and those who are being abused and denied their basic dignities – in front of very powerful opponent
22. The more YESes you have to all these 21 points – the more Negative & Unwanted Outcomes would likely be there in almost all areas of your life.
23.21 Powerful WHYs - why should you be practicing Assertiveness – ask yourself – do you Want To Experience and have the following in your life – please note down all your YESes
I. To develop Very high level of self-Confidence
II. To Gain Respect of others naturally
III. To Handle Difficult People effectively
IV. To Gain Other's Cooperation
V. To Be yourself all the time
VI. To Have Positive Empowering Mindset
VII. To Claim Your Rights
VIII. To Be Comfortable with Yourself in public or alone
IX. To Express What You Feel in Appropriate way
X. To Stop Being Taken for a Ride and to avoid being Taken Advantage Of
XI. To Stop people Manipulating You
XII. To Handle Put Downs & Insults Effectively
XIII. To Set Healthy Boundaries
XIV. To Increase your self-esteem and self-respect
XV. To Respond to Pressure Effectively – By Be Calm
XVI. To Make Healthy Decisions and Right Choices
XVII. To Ask Tough Questions
XVIII. To Share Your Views Honestly
XIX. To Handle Abusive & Toxic Relationships
XX. To Become A Role Model for Your Children, Juniors, Seniors
XXI. To Have intimate relationship and strong bond

90+ Tips on Developing the Right Mindset & Understand the Fundamentals -before you can Start Practicing the Steps on How to be assertive

1. Assertiveness can help you deal with almost all these 42 points – to make your life more meaningful and more contended.
2. Although Assertiveness will make all these things happen – it is not stand-alone solutions as many-many other factors TOO ARE NEEDED
3. Identify Precise Situations and Specific People -Where We Need to Be Assertive
4. Step 1 - Identify The Follow Situations and People – where you need to be assertive
I. Identify All Situations – where You Give in To Others Demand – Even Though You Do Not Want to do it
II. Identify all the situations and people – where you end up say YES although you desperately want to say NO
III. Identify All those People –who force you to do what is against your values or well-be- although externally you might be behaving as if you are perfectly happy but internally you are seething with -white-rage
IV. Identify all those people Who Treat You Like Doormat
V. Identify all those people who – regularly put you down, insult you openly
VI. Identify all those people – who take you for granted
VII. Identify all those people – who take advantage of you – but don't even acknowledge your contributions, efforts
VIII. Identify all those people who dominate you and your life
IX. Identify all those people who make you feel guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, disgusted with yourself, make you feel bad about yourself
X. Identify Your All Relationships those are very important to you – Where You Need the Relationship to be of equal, adult to adult of transparency and mutually respectful and Would Like To Be Treated With Respect
XI. Identify – In Each Situation & With Every Individual Person – What Is Negotiable
XII. Identify within your rights – In Each Situation & With Every Individual Person – What Is absolutely Not Negotiable
5. Step 2 - Identify Your Needs As Specifically As You Can – which can become your guiding light while practicing assertiveness
I. How you would like to be treated – taking each important relationship and persons in your life – be specific as much as you can
II. How would you like your life to be in future – express yourself clearly and honestly- be as exhaustive and as specific as you can
III. What do you need from these people – list each person-wise
IV. Which are the people – you must live with [although this would be debatable one – especially in those cases where their impact in your life is overwhelmingly negative and traumatic]
V. Why do you need these people in life – list each person-wise
VI. Which are people – you must get out your life – and what would be the worst that can happen to you
VII. Which are the people – you must live with – but learn a better way of handling them
VIII. Identify what type of healthy boundaries that you would like to have with each person
IX. Identify What Type Of Behavior, Relationship You Would Want To Have With These People
X. Identify What Fears You Have In Defy These People – Mean What Is The Worst Th That Can Happen To You If You Are Assertive.
6. 6 Ways How We Acquire Non-assertive Personality
I. This could be due to the Condition we have had Dur Our Grow up years - Through – our Parents, our Teachers, Our Social exposure and Education - - Most Of time this turns most of Us into Submissive Or Aggressive Or Passive Or Passive-aggressive personalities
II. Because If Your Biggest Influencers and authority figures In childhood Taught You to Place The Needs Of Others Before Yourself As A Child - It certainly Be Difficult For You To Assert Yourself later in life.
III. If Your Biggest Influencers In Family, School, Social Or Peer Group Handled Conflict By Yell And Argu - You Might Have Learned To Deal With Conflict Similarly.
IV. Understand that Very Rare People Have This Awesome Skill of Assertiveness.
V. Although Many of us Might Already Be Assertive In Many Situations & With many People
VI. The Skill of Assertiveness can be mastered Only through Consistently Practicing in real life situations with the difficult, arrogant and manipulative people who make you feel scared, emotionally low, inadequate, ashamed, guilty etc. Etc.
7. 14 Basic Fundamental Facts about Assertiveness - Understand & Accept the following facts
I. It Is Go to Be Painfully Slow– that is why You will Have To Go For Very-very Small Steps– In The Beginning
II. The Results won't be visible Soon
III. You Will Have Immense Turmoil Within against a series of uncomfortable tasks that you have to do every day – You Will Feel Like Giving Up - Please Don't
IV. You Will Face Maximum Challenge In The Relationships – Where You Are Already Treated As Doormat Or Are A Pushover
V. These People Will Ridicule, Mock, Taunt, Put Pressure on You, Shout, And Do Anything To Get You back Where You Were serv their purpose well - You Will Feel Like Runn Away – Don't'
VI. In fact, remember – your life may become LOT WORSE before it gets better
VII. Many of the highly insecure aggressive and difficult people in your life who took you for granted – will use all the tools in their arsenal to make you bend and get back to how you were. Because you would be rattling them and their belief in big way – if you give-in then they may acquire bigger power than they had before on you
VIII. That is why we will begin by very-very small steps – which are least threaten to you and then slowly raise the bar as we become more and more comfortable with our newer self
IX. Only By Persistently apply the actions steps described in the later episodes - You will start Getting encouraging Results
X. You can't rush the results that you want – it has to become your nature, your subconscious response and reaction, your natural habit – these take immense efforts, regular practice, improvising as per the reactions of others etc. Etc. PLUS a long time to happen to become your nature
XI. But Once You Become Comfortable with This New Personality Of Yours – You Would Never Go Back To Your Earlier Self
XII. The Biggest Battle Is Within Yourself - Before You Can Say No, Refuse Request, Reject Pressure & Demand of OTHERS in real life in real situations - You Must Be First Able To Do That In Your Mind - You Cannot Be Assertive If You Are Dy Of Fear Internally
XIII. Understand That There Would Be Some Relationships You Have To Walk Away From Or Those people Will Break Their Relationship With You – After You Start Asserting Yourself - It Is Perfectly Alright To Let Go Of These People As They Were Never Add Value To You
XIV. All Abusive Relationships Starts With Very Small and initially unnoticeable Infringements Of your Basics rights and dignities and encroach on your personal-space – and when you Ignore These Then The Degree Will Increase Next Time & Keep On Increasing - As You Are Reward These People For Their Bad Behavior
XV. In Some Very Close Relationships – Like If You Are A Parent & You Put Your Needs After Your Child - It is Perfectly Alright – If You Do This with Pleasure & Satisfaction
I. Understand Your Rights & the Consequences of Claiming Your Rights Understand your Basic rights in every Relationship - 11 ways to Create CLARITY About Your Rights
II.Understand that in Every Situation & with Every Person You Have the basic Right to Ask or Request and others Have The Right To Refuse
III. In Every Important Relationship That we have - Both sides Need Each Other Equally
IV. In All Healthy Relationships - You Can Ask Questions Freely, Express Your Views Openly, Share Your Feels Honestly
V. All The Relationship Require You To Be Treated Equally With Respect
VI. You Are Able To Say No To Situations, People, Unacceptable Pressure & Demand
VII. You Do Not Dis-Respect Anyone Neither You Let Anyone Dis-Respect You
VIII. You Do Not Encroach On Anyone's Rights Neither You Let Anyone Take Away Your Rights
IX. You Operate Out Your Core Values & You Stand Up For Something You Believe In
X. You Have A Right To Have Different Opinion Than others & That Is Alright – Nobody Should Force You To Accept Anything That You Do Not Want To
XI. When You Are Assertive Based On Your Values – You Will Not Be Liked By Everyone - That Is Perfect - As Long As You Do Not Do Anything Bad to harm others

40 Tips on How To Be Assertive

1. Decide Where Will You Start with a Very Small Step –Preferably In The Least Threaten Situation and with least scary People]
2. Create A Script & Rehearse - On how will you say NO
3. How will you respond when they push you back – create a broken-stuck record script – which is firm and polite
4. Imagine situations and people AND Visualize to See Yourself –Say No To A Very Small Demand, Pressure initially – when you gain confidence you will have to raise up your ante
5. Practice all above steps for few days – till you start feel confident of deliver the script naturally
6. Decide on A Date as close as after a week of practice - Then Go & Do It - With Respect & Politeness But Without Fear
7. In Case The Your Attempts Does Not Succeed In Initial Attempts - Please Revisit The Scenario – And Improvise - Then Repeat 2 & 3
8. In Case You Are Say No To A Genuine Need Of Others - Because Of Your Very Urgent Unavoidable Need, Situation - Offer Alternative Solutions
9. Take A Stand. People May Resist At First – Or Even Be Shocked By Your Transformation – But In The End, They Will Respect You For It
10. If You Do Not Feel Right Do Something, Then Don't Do It. It's Okay To Reject Someone.
11. Remember, For Yourself, The Most Important Person Is You.
12. If You Don't Respect Your Own Desires, How Can You Expect Others To?
13. When we Are Submissive With Someone – Then our Self-Confidence takes Beats & Theirs gets Boosted - But Rarely People Will Respect You Because You Are Be Submissive & People Pleaser
14. State Your Own Opinions In A Respectful Manner.
15. Don't Be Silent If You Have Something To Say. Share Your Feels Freely
16. Ask Questions to Clarify, Understand In a Respectful Manner
17. If In A Meet, Situation Social, Professional, Family - Make It Clear That What You Have To Say Is Important And Should Be paid attention to
18. Identify What Makes You Happy And What Your Needs Are.
19. This Will Help You Develop A Set Of Expectations and boundaries For Other People To Follow – with regard to How You Would Like To Be Treated
20. A Good Approach Is To Adopt A "We" Mentality And Come Up With Solutions That Will Make Both Parties Happy, If The Situation Allows.
21. This Way, Everyone's Feels Are Be Considered And Heard
22. But If It Is Only One Sided & Only They Get Benefitted - Then Assert For What Is Minimum Basic Need of Yours
23. Speak Clearly & Be Direct – Do Not Go Round & Round
24. Practice. Practice. Practice
25. In Some Situations - Say Noth – Ignore
26. Let Go Of Guilt. Be Assertive Can Be Tough — Especially If You've Been Submissive Or A People Pleaser Most Of Your Life
27. If People Do Not Understand Or Recognize Your Needs – You Need To Tell Them. Nobody Can Read Your Mind & You Shouldn't Either Try to Do the Same
28. Take Responsibility for Your Own Problems - If You See Something That Needs Chang In Your Life, Take Action.
29. If You're Not Happy With Something In Your Life, Start Tak Steps — However Small — To Change Things
30. Understand You're Not in Charge or responsible for How Others Feel Or Behave
31. Understand that You Are Responsible For The Consequences Of Your Assertiveness and other actions and decisions, Words, Actions
32. Use I Statements [Which Makes You Express How Their Behavior Make You Feel] Instead Of You Statements [Which Are Normally Accusatory]
33. Don't Apologize Or Feel Guilty For Express A Need, Want, Right
34. Understand You Don't Have To Justify, Explain Your Opinion, Choices
35. If Once It Does Not Work – Repeat Your Statement
36. Don't Get Angry Or Frustrated If Your Family, Friends, And Co-Workers Question Or Even Try To Thwart Your New Assertive Approach To Life.
37. That's A Completely Normal Response
38. Practice Talk Look Directly In The Eye – With Smil Face If The Situation Needs That
39. To Make Decisions Assertively and Effectively - Identify The Problem - Explore All Possible Solutions - Evaluate The Consequences Of Each Solution - Determine The Best Outcome For Yourself - Choose A Solution And Try It - Improvise Accordingly If The Solution Did Not Work
40. You May Need Additional Help - of qualified and experienced Counselor, therapist or Psychologist – if the actions given above paralyzes you with fear and inaction

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