<p><span>In this article you will learn the following</span><br></p><p>-<b data-redactor-tag="b"> What makes us defensive - 26 causes </b></p><p>-<b data-redactor-tag="b">40 tips How to Stop Being Defensive</b></p><p>-<b data-redactor-tag="b">19 tips How to Stop Making Other People Defensive</b></p><p>-<b data-redactor-tag="b">34 Behaviors people display when they get defensive</b></p><p>-<b data-redactor-tag="b">8 negative impact of your defensiveness on your life</b></p><p><br></p><p>Why We become defensive<br></p><p>How strong is your self-awareness - <b data-redactor-tag="b">Do you know who makes you defensive and with whom you are comfortable</b>.</p><p><b data-redactor-tag="b">Most of us can get defensive with some people and in certain situations</b>.</p><p>When we feel defensive - <b data-redactor-tag="b">we react in very disempowering manner and acquire a very un-resourceful emotional-mental state</b>.</p><p>Our defensiveness can get triggered -<b data-redactor-tag="b"> when we are facing - a difficult or an arrogant, or a toxic person</b> - <b data-redactor-tag="b">whom we find difficult, challenging and uncomfortable to deal-with dealing with</b>. </p><p>We can also become defensive <b data-redactor-tag="b">when we are criticized, rejected and ridiculed by others OR when we are feeling ashamed, hurt, embarrassed, guilty and scared.</b></p><p><b data-redactor-tag="b">If you get Defensiveness often - then it would have a big negative impact on the quality of your life</b>, on the quality of your <b data-redactor-tag="b">relationships</b>, on <b data-redactor-tag="b">your growth</b> as well as on your <b data-redactor-tag="b">success</b>.</p><p><b data-redactor-tag="b">What is defensiveness - it is our automatic subconscious emotional response and our default mechanism</b> - <b data-redactor-tag="b">it comes into action - when we</b> feel bad about our self, we feel ashamed, we feel insecure, we feel powerless and we feel powerless to cope with a person or a specific situation.</p><p><b data-redactor-tag="b">In the beginning we used these Defensive behaviors to deal with our highly uncomfortable feelings -</b> later it manifest without any efforts on our part.</p><p>Defensiveness <b data-redactor-tag="b">has a very strong link with our deep rooted emotional insecurities as well as pat abuses and traumas</b>. </p><p><b data-redactor-tag="b">Defensive behaviors may make you feel better temporarily - BUT - it will make you feel worse</b> - sooner eventually. </p><p><b data-redactor-tag="b">You can also identify others who get defensive by recognizing the signs and behaviors people display when they feel threatened</b>.</p><p><b data-redactor-tag="b">What makes us defensive - 26 causes </b></p> <ul><li>1.If you were bullied in your childhood - you may yourself turn into a bully as a result of your defensive behavior - to avoid feeling powerless</li> <li>2.Similarly childhood abuse as well as a trauma can make your defense mechanism choose a negative behaviors to feel powerful and comfortable - albeit - temporarily only<br> Your deep rooted fear can create defensiveness - when you face similar situations</li> <li>3.If you are not assertive by nature - you may use - passive-aggression as a coping technique</li> <li>4.Defensiveness can happen - when you are feeling ashamed, embarrassed and guilty</li> <li>5.Defensiveness can be your reaction to feeling anxious</li> <li>6.When you are hiding something - this makes you react defensively</li> <li>7.When someone is attacking your values, your character or your persona - you may become defensive</li> <li>8.When you are feeling helpless, powerless and lost - can bring defensive behaviors</li> <li>9.Defensiveness can also be a sign or symptom of a serious underlying mental health disorders </li> <li>10.Your being belittled, demeaned, disrespected and insulted</li> <li>11.When your authority is challenged</li> <li>12.Your being close-minded to criticism</li> <li>13.When you face Real and Imagined Dangers</li> <li>14.When you perceive a negative outcome </li> <li>15.When you are anticipating Conflict and drama element - so your subconscious goes for a shut-down emotionally to avoid the situation or may match fire with fire by your lashing out</li> <li>16.When you feel that your reputation and self-Image taking beating</li> <li>17.When you feel Embarrassed, ashamed or guilty</li> <li>18.When you get caught off guard or surprised by someone</li> <li>19.When you have huge EGO</li> <li>20.When you Are not receptive to feedback</li> <li>21.When you are feeling socially anxious</li> <li>22.You might react defensively because your family or friends do</li> <li>23.When FEELING MANIPULATED or being taken advantage or being used</li> <li>24.When you find it difficult to admit that you are wrong</li> <li>25.Some personality disorders can trigger defensiveness. Disorders like Paranoid Personality Disorder Narcissistic </li> <li>26.Personality Disorder and Avoidant Personality Disorder may cause people to feel like they are constantly under threat of attack or mistreatment</li></ul><p><strong data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor">40 Tips How to Stop Being Defensive</strong><span></span><br></p> <ul><li>1.Become Aware of Your Defensiveness</li> <li>2.Identify triggers - of people, situation and events that makes you defensive</li> <li>3.Anticipate When You Are Likely to Become Defensive - in near future event or meet with a person</li> <li>4.Acknowledging Your Feelings of hurt, worry, stress, shame, guilt, insecurity, fear, embarrassment and anxiety</li> <li>5.Practice to delay Acting on Your Feelings on impulse</li> <li>6.Identify and revisit your values and Align Yourself with Your Values</li> <li>7.Identify and revisit your long-term goals</li> <li>8.Tell the other person how their comments make you feel and why you feel hurt - using I statements</li> <li>9.Assertively request respect when they are crossing the line of decency and respect</li> <li>10.Avoid getting sidetracked - Stay on topic and focus on finding solutions </li> <li>11.Boost Your Self-Esteem, Self-pride, Self-awareness</li> <li>12.Take Responsibility for whatever actions you need and choose to take</li> <li>13.Improve Your Communication Skills</li> <li>14.Learn learn learn - upskill, enhance knowledge, be aware about what is happening in the world</li> <li>15.Become a great problem-solver</li> <li>16.Identify and master through practice - effective stress, anger, anxiety</li> <li>17.Practice suitable and effective relaxation and stress-management tools</li> <li>18.Practice to enhance your emotional and social intelligence - createflexible methods of coping with different people and situations</li> <li>19.Enhances your emotional self-regulation</li> <li>20.Develops supportive social and personal networks</li> <li>21.Learn to Walk away from relationships, people and situations if it is not worth</li> <li>22.Don't compete to satisfy your EGO</li> <li>23.Learn to Accommodate other's needs within reason</li> <li>24.Compromise when you are dealing with your loved ones</li> <li>25.Find ways to Collaborate -Decide if you need to address the conflict and WHY -Prepare for the conversation -Focus on the relationship -Understand your position -Consider why the other person is behaving this way<a name="recap"></a></li> <li>26.Learn graceful ways to cope with feeling defensive. </li> <li>27.Learn to buy time and postpone crucial decisions-making as well as discussions</li> <li>28.Listen -Seek clarifications -Ask how you can help -Fix the problem</li> <li>29.Set and enforce heathy boundaries</li> <li>30.Respect others boundaries</li> <li>31.Use the CBT technique of STOPP - Stop! Take a breath Observe yourself and the situation Pull Some Perspective Practice what Works</li> <li>32.Practice Active Listening -Seek first to understand, then to be understood</li> <li>33.Don't go for countercriticizing</li> <li>34.Don't bring the past - this is not the time</li> <li>35.Acknowledge your partner's perspective -Even in the midst of an argument, it is important to show your partner that what they told you is understood by you</li> <li>36.Take the time you need in order to truly process and evaluate what they told you -Know your limits and express them If you can't have such a conversation right now, it is preferable and more respectful to directly say so</li> <li>37.Avoid using BUT statements </li> <li>38.Don't try to resolve all the issues - identify the most critical ones </li> <li>39.Be open to new ideas -Acknowledge and thank your partner for talking with you about the issues </li> <li>40.Practice not get drawn into becoming Defensive - especially When You are Being Attacked, provoked or Criticized</li></ul> <p><b data-redactor-tag="b">19 tips How to Stop Making Other People Defensive</b></p> <ul><li>1.Make Requests - Don't Criticize</li> <li>2.Suggest through asking question - so as to give credit to them</li> <li>3.Stop your urge of Trying to Control people and situations</li> <li>4.Know and Acknowledge Your Own Mistakes, Blunders and failures</li> <li>5.Instead of passing judgement or complaining - suggest solutions and resolutions</li> <li>6.Show Concern and Empathy</li> <li>7.Ignore the other person's defensiveness and focus on problem solving</li> <li>8.Find something that you can agree on before trying to problem solve so that you start on common ground.</li> <li>9.Being honest is not the same as being defensive -Defensiveness is an impulse</li> <li>10.Learn to deal with criticism</li> <li>11.Know how to bounce back from rejection</li> <li>12.Understand that Resentment can't do you any good</li> <li>13.While taking action pause and review what impact is there of your response in real-time</li> <li>14.If you are being criticized - Look for the grain of truth in what they are saying -Put the feedback in context</li> <li>15.Bottom of Form</li> <li>16.Stand up for yourself assertively YET respectfully</li> <li>17.<b data-redactor-tag="b">Learn to express yourself without getting defensive - by Not being overly emotional</b></li> <li>18.<b data-redactor-tag="b">Have</b> a sense of clarity about what you are saying plus accepting of the fact the other person may not agree with what you are saying</li> <li>19.Don't take it personally - what others say and do</li></ul> <p><b data-redactor-tag="b">34 Behaviors people display when they get defensive</b><b data-redactor-tag="b"></b></p> <ul><li>1.Feel compelled to take action immediately</li> <li>2.Blame others for all the wrongs</li> <li>3.Make excuses</li> <li>4.Explain too much why they did something - without there being the need</li> <li>5.Give too much information - without any need</li> <li>6.Give secrets of others - which was shared with them on confidentiality</li> <li>7.Shrug-off taking responsibility and ownership and accountability</li> <li>8.Disengaged with people and from the situation - Stop listening</li> <li>9.Justify their actions and behaviors</li> <li>10.Bring up past things that the other person did wrong or talk out other's past mistakes - which does not have any relation to the current situation or conflict</li> <li>11.Avoid talking about the current issue </li> <li>12.Attack the other person to discredit them</li> <li>13.Projection -Shifting the blame to the other person for whatever you are being criticized about AND Attributing your thoughts and feelings to another person - like I am not angry - it is you who is angry </li> <li>14.Give others silent treatment</li> <li>15.Give Narcissist gas-lighting</li> <li>16.Use Dominating, aggressive and controlling behaviors</li> <li>17.Show outrage on being questioned or challenged</li> <li>18.Play Innocent victim</li> <li>19.Blame yourself in such a way to make the other person feel guilty and to elicit sympathy </li> <li>20.Break and throw things</li> <li>21.Yell and shout to intimidate</li> <li>22.Throw tantrums </li> <li>23.Bend the truth to justify their irrational behaviors</li> <li>24.Take out their frustration from another problem on someone not involved or responsible for their emotional-frame</li> <li>25.Respond dramatically </li> <li>26.Make false promises </li> <li>27.Exaggerate and twist facts and figures and lying </li> <li>28.Disregard others healthy boundaries </li> <li>29.Manipulating, Superiority Critical behavior</li> <li>30.Withholding information/ secretive behavior</li> <li>31.Having No accountability</li> <li>32.Lack of eye contact, turning away, not speaking up </li> <li>33.Avoiding others </li> <li>34.Resistant to what others are saying</li></ul> <p><b data-redactor-tag="b">8 negative impact of your defensiveness on your life</b></p> <ul><li>1.You may make other people feel bad unintentionally - which will also make you feel miserable</li> <li>2.You may make situations and people more tense and hostile than warranted</li> <li>3.You discussions escalates into an argument or a fight</li> <li>4.You may find that the Problems are never resolved - instead the same issues gets repeated again and again </li> <li>5.Your goodwill takes a beating</li> <li>6.You may feel like an outcast and unable to fit-in any where </li> <li>7.You may find yourself focusing more on negativities than in positives</li> <li>8.You may find other people refuse to help you or stonewall you - because of your defensiveness</li></ul><div><br></div><p><a href="#defensiveness, #whywebecomedefensive, #causeswhatmakesusdefensive, #howtobelessdefensive, #behaviorspeopledisplaywhentheyaredefensive, #negativeimpactofdefensivenessonyourlife, #gettingdefensive" title="">#defensiveness, #whywebecomedefensive, #causeswhatmakesusdefensive, #howtobelessdefensive, #behaviorspeopledisplaywhentheyaredefensive, #negativeimpactofdefensivenessonyourlife, #gettingdefensive</a></p>